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What makes a conversation difficult? A difficult interlocutor? A difficult topic? Emotions? Ours? The other person’s? A difficult moment in life for any of the speakers? I just sent materials to a group of leaders I recently discussed difficult conversations with. They have ahead of them conversations about layoffs, about delivering development plans when results are poor, about changes, transfers, “not delivering”… On one hand, I’m thrilled that they’re preparing – this is my #1 before a difficult conversation – the package:

1. write down what you want to achieve during the conversation (what is its purpose)
2. write down what you want to say (in complete sentences)
3. dry run, practice what you’ll say (preferably in front of/with someone who will give you feedback)
4. do a pre-mortem analysis – everything went wrong, how did you cause it and how to prevent it?
5. prepare a contract for the conversation
6. prepare yourself for the conversation (literally too, including sleep, nutrition, water, breathing….)
7. prepare space for yourself after the conversation (walk, sleep, workout, expressive writing….)

This isn’t the end of the list, it’s the beginning. Simple? Yes. Easy? Hmmmm I use the broken record method. I don’t get pulled into negotiations, into side discussions. I operate with facts. I use silence I watch my emotions Don’t go for quantity of arguments, aim for quality. This is the list of one of the Leaders. The moment when she stated that the conversation, though difficult, could be training for her patience, persistence and not getting pulled into unnecessary details, was the moment when she felt ready for the conversation. Charles Duhigg speaks and writes inspiringly about difficult conversations – I highly recommend his TedTalk on the topic and the podcast series @Kwame Christian – Negotiate Anything, whose guiding thought is – “The best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations” And what helps you face difficult conversations? What are your tricks?